


I just want to live forever

by Emptynarration



Category: Youtube RPF, Youtube egos
Genre: (since they are reincarnated), Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Betrayal, Character Death, Death, First Meetings, M/M, Murder, Nightmares, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Lives, Shooting, Shooting Guns, Temporary Character Death, change of heart, edward remembers old lifes, grey aromantic author
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:20:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21862858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emptynarration/pseuds/Emptynarration
Summary: Soulmate AU, in which you only age when you meet your soulmate.Caused by me singing "it's my life / it's going forever / I just want to live forever / Doing anything to stay alive / It's My Life"In which the mysterious The Author kills his soulmate over and over, so he can live forever.Until one day he meets him once more.
Relationships: The Author/Dr Iplier, The Host/Dr Iplier
Comments: 34
Kudos: 51





	1. Chapter 1

“Cold”, the new book by the mysterious “The Author”. Adam hummed as he walked past the bookshop, seeing the newest bestseller. He had heard of that author before. Some person who's been alive for a long time, and dedicated their books to seemingly random people. “Cold” had been “Dedicated to Sam, the clerk who helped me with picking out fresh fruit.”. Adam couldn't believe that that person still hadn't met their soulmate.

It was common to meet one's soulmate within the span of a few decades. Most found them in their thirties or fourties, and there was the folk-tale of the older you get before your ageing stops, the sooner you'll find your soulmate. And it was common to stop ageing in-between the ages of 18 and 21.  
Adam had stopped ageing when he reached 20. Still unsure about what to do with life, he had gone through school until he couldn't anymore -and he couldn't afford to go study for a degree.

Now he was travelling. Soulmates were destined to meet, and it wasn't typical for someone to “live forever”. It made Adam wonder how this author still hadn't met their soulmate, or if they may be avoiding meeting them. But that couldn't be possible -they had to leave their home _some time_ , and thus would eventually meet them. It was practically unheard of for someone not to meet their soulmate.

Adam hoped he'd meet his soulmate sooner rather than later. It had been quite some time already, and he really wanted to meet them. Searching for them didn't really do much, other than feel like you were doing something that'd not bear fruits until fate decided so. He may be travelling to find his soulmate. He knew he would've found them even without travelling, but weren't all choices somehow already set in stone, and destined to happen?  
He sighed, a puff of air visible in the cold air, as he buried his hands deeper into his pockets, having forgotten to grab his gloves. He was just staying here for a few days, not much more than a week or two at most, staying here or there. Now he just took his time to walk around, enjoy the light frost on everything.

He was just making his way out of town, deciding visiting the forest nearby might be nice. He's heard of it before, and he knew that he shouldn't wander off the paths, and not go too deeply inside of it. People went -or have went- missing inside of it, and never been found again. People suspected that there were wild animals which were at fault, so it was advised against going too deep inside of it.

Adam truly didn't plan on it. When he wandered into the forest, he enjoyed the beautiful scenery around him, just walking around wherever his feet carried him. He didn't even notice when he walked off the paths, at least not until it was probably too late.  
And by noticing, it was him walking into another person, startling the both of them.  
“Oh- I'm so sorry.”, he said, looking at the other man. He looked a bit cold, with his fingerless gloves, and panda earmuffs -they were _so cute_ \- and a long coat. Dark brown hair, and eyes that looked golden.  
“It's fine. What are you doing here though?”, the man asked, and Adam looked around, realizing he had no idea where he was.  
“Oh, I didn't realize where I was going. I should probably.. turn back...”, Adam very clearly had no idea how to get back though, looking around a bit helpless.  
The other took a deep breath, sighing, and Adam looked back at him.  
“I'll help you get back.”, he said, and Adam was a bit startled, before smiling.  
“Thank you.”, he replied, getting just a hum and slight nod back.

Together, they walked through the forest then. Adam followed the other man, looking around a bit as they walked. He'd wandered off the path quite a bit, he noticed, and he wondered why the other man had been out here by himself. He seemed to know the forest well though, so perhaps he went here more often.  
Adam felt... sort of weird, about this person. Ever since he saw the other, he felt a little strange. He had noticed the other was also still young, no way had the man met his soulmate yet, and Adam wondered if the guy was just here and in the village, and his soulmate would one day find him here.  
Something was weird about him, but maybe it was just Adam feeling weird. He was certain it was nothing, though. Maybe he was getting a cold or something, being out in the cold for so long.

Once they arrived back at the edge of the forest, Adam smiled at the other.  
“Thank you so much for helping me out. Might never found my way back without help.”, he said, chuckling lightly. The other hummed, nodding lightly.  
“Try not to get lost again, I won't always be there to find you.”, he joked, and Adam laughed lightly, delighted seeing the other's grin. It made him feel flutters in his belly.  
“Maybe I could just call for you?”, Adam asked with a little grin, and the other huffed, rolling his eyes.  
“Real smooth.”, he commented, and Adam chuckled lightly.  
“Would you tell me your name?”, Adam asked, smiling lightly, hopeful.  
“It's Arthur.”, Arthur replied, and Adam smiled, happy.  
“I'm Adam.”.

-

He wanted to see him again. He felt the urge to do so, and he found himself taking more and more walks in the forest. He stayed longer and longer in this town, and he was certain he had met his soulmate. And while he had met quite a few people here, he found himself back in the forest over and over, and he just _knew_ it was Arthur his soul wanted to go to.  
But any time he was in the forest, he didn't find Arthur again. Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. Adam had found a job here, and a little place to stay at, and every day, he went to the forest. Walking around for hours, before giving up, going home with a heavy heart.

Did Arthur not want to be with his soulmate? Why would someone not want to be with who they were destined to be? Adam read books, and articles, and stories, and he couldn't think someone wouldn't want to be with their soulmate. Were there really people who just wanted to live forever? Who never wanted to age?  
He wondered how old Arthur was. Was he similar in age to him, or much older? He didn't live in town, so he must be avoiding people so he wouldn't meet his soulmate. But yet, fate had brought them together. He _must_ know he had met his soulmate.

Going back to the forest once more, Adam felt dread weighing him down. He knew he couldn't go on without his soulmate. He had met him, he knew who he was, he knew he lived here. He'd age, and his soulmate would age, and they were meant to be together. Maybe not romantically, maybe just as good friends. But still, Adam craved to be with the other more than anything.  
He sat down on a treestump, taking a break, sighing heavily. He couldn't give up. He simply _couldn't_. If only he hadn't asked Arthur for his name. He supposed they would've met eventually anyways, would've talked, would've found out their soulmates.

He heard something behind him, and he turned around to look. He didn't see more than something swinging at him, before he lost consciousness.

-

Adam woke up with a groan, his head pounding with a headache. He lifted his head, blinking his eyes open and looking around slowly. It was rather dark, but there was a broken TV showing static, and some stuff here and there that looked fitting for a shed. Was that where he was? He couldn't tell.

“I'm sorry it had to come to this.”, a voice said, and Adam looked around, recognizing it.  
“Arthur?”, he questioned, voice a little hoarse. He cleared it, watching as Arthur stepped closer, not looking sorry at all. “What's going on?”.  
“I'm getting rid of you. People don't just go “missing” here. I'm not going to age and die any time soon.”, Arthur replied, and Adam was shocked. Arthur really did that? He _really killed his soulmates?_  
“Are- are you serious? You're killing your soulmate just to live forever?”, Adam asked, scandalized, and he was _afraid_ of his soulmate. He was going to die.  
“Yes.”, Arthur replied, and he lifted a gun, holding it to Adam's forehead, who turned pale in turn.

“ _Why?_ ”, Adam asked, looking up at Arthur pleadingly. “Why don't you want to be with your soulmate? Why don't you give it a chance?”.  
Adam didn't want to die -of course not!- So he tried to reason with Arthur. Maybe change his mind, get him to let him live.  
“I don't feel like you. I don't want to be with my soulmate. I don't seek to find them again after meeting, I don't have the desire to have someone else in my life.”, Arthur replied, cold gaze staring into Adam's eyes. It made Adam uncomfortable, but what was some uncomfortableness to the fear he was experiencing, knowing he was going to die?  
“But-”, Adam tried, but was cut off.

The shot rang loudly in the silence enveloping the shed. Arthur looked at what had once been Adam with disdain, feeling no different from before. He never felt the desire to be with his soulmate again, no pull towards them, no flutters in his chest.  
He took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. He had work to do.


	2. Chapter 2

“Lamia's Luck”, the new book by the mysterious “The Author”. Edward hummed as he stopped in front of the bookshop, seeing the newest bestseller. He had heard of that author before. Some person who's been alive for a long time, and dedicated their books to seemingly random people. “Lamia's Luck” had been “Dedicated to Adam, the guy who was lost and I helped out.”. Edward didn't have a lot of time for books at the moment, though.

He had been studying hard to get through school with flying grades, get through university and get his degree, studying medicine. It had taken time, and never once did he bother to think about soulmates. They were nothing he was particularly interested in, and if he met them, then he met them. He didn't really care.  
What he did care about, was being a doctor. It was what he always wanted to be, coming from his neglectful family. Rich, but assholes, as most rich people were. He was glad to be away from them, and be fully independent from them. As nice as having money was, he could do without abusing people he's never met just to get more money to boast with.

Being a doctor was hard work, but he felt good. He helped people, he saved lifes even, and there was nothing better he could imagine. Sure, having a soulmate sounded nice, but he didn't care all too much. He was happy on his own, with his job, living in a little town away from work, where he was comfortable.

Deciding he had some time right now, he did entered the store. There weren't many people around, so he didn't feel bothersome as he walked around and looked at the different books. He had some days off now, a little vacation so to say, so perhaps he could pick up a book to read.   
He browsed through them, slightly overhearing some conversation. They were talking about that new bestseller from the Author, and Edward couldn't help but pick one up to look at. It seemed like a nice length, and the back read interesting -something fantasy.

“You don't look like you've heard of this before.”, a voice said, startling Edward some, and he turned to look. Some guy, tall, dark brown hair and eyes that looked golden. He seemed pretty thin for his build...  
“I heard of it, but I've never read one of their books.”, Edward replied, tapping on the gold lettering on the spine.  
“Oh? Maybe you should pick one up then, see if you like it.”, the other said with a little grin, and Edward laughed lightly, smiling at the kind stranger.  
“Perhaps I will.”, Edward hummed. “You read them a lot?”.  
“Every single one.”, the answer was accompanied with a light laugh, and Edward chuckle in turn.  
“A big fan then?”, he asked, smile a little amused still.  
“I guess you could say that.”, the other replied, shrugging lightly.

“I'll leave you to it then. Maybe I'll see you again here, picking up another book.”, he said, and Edward chuckled.  
“Maybe. Have a good day.”, he said with a smile, and turned his attention back to the book, once he had gotten a goodbye in reply.

Edward bought the book in the end, and read it in his free days. It wasn't bad, and he was certainly interested in more of Author's fantasy books. This one seemed pretty good, at the very least, and he was definitely curious to read more. He knew the author focused on horror and such, but they had a few fantasy books as well, and Edward was definitely interested in them.

So it was no wonder that Edward was back at the bookshop a week or two later. Happily browsing through more of Author's books, humming as he looked at the different titles. It would be good, reading during breaks and to relax at home. He'd finally get more reading in, like he had wanted to for a long time. He did enjoy reading.  
Picking up another book, he hummed as he read the back. He didn't notice when someone walked up to him, but he did notice when that someone leaned against the shelf he was standing in front of. Looking up, he saw the same guy from last time.

“I see you enjoyed the last one?”, the guy asked, and Edward laughed lightly, nodding.  
“It was quite good. I probably won't look into the horror ones, but the fantasy was really good.”, Edward replied, smiling as he put the book he had picked out back into the shelf.  
“Well, it's nice someone likes them. I don't know many who care too much.”, the other looked at the shelf with the fantasy books, and Edward tilted his head lightly.  
“Oh? Do you like them a lot?”, he asked, and the other chuckled, looking back at Edward with a smile.  
“Yeah. A nice change of pace sometimes, from all the horror stuff.”, the other answered, and Edward hummed, nodding lightly.  
“I can see that.”, he hummed.

“So, you're searching for something new to read hm?”, the guy hummed, and Edward nodded, looking back at the shelf. There was quite the collection of books to choose from, even though there were nowhere near as many as there were horror books of course.  
“Yeah. Any recommendations?”, Edward replied, looking over at the other, as he looked over the books.  
“Which one did you already read?”, he asked, and Edward looked for a bit, before touching the spine of the book he had already read. The other nodded, humming in thought as he looked around, before picking out a book and handing it to Edward.  
“It's similar in the world building, but still very different.”, he told the doctor, who nodded, turning the book over to read the back.

“Thanks.”, Edward said, once he had read it, smiling at the other. “You're here a lot.”, he noted then, making the other laugh lightly, shrugging.  
“I like reading, checking up on how some books are doing.”, he replied, and Edward smiled lightly in return.  
“It was nice meeting you again.”, he said then, because he didn't want to drag this out too long. There were still other things he had to do, and he was certain the other did as well.  
“Indeed it was.”, the man replied, pushing himself off from the shelf. “Perhaps we'll see each other again, next time you buy a book.”.  
“Perhaps we will.”, Edward chuckled, and they parted ways.

The next time Edward went to the bookshop, he didn't meet that guy again. He felt a little disappointed maybe, since he had enjoyed meeting him the last two times. But, he still picked a new book to read, buying it and talking a bit with the clerk.   
Apparently the guy was here quite a lot, usually asking about Author's books. It made Edward laugh a little -he seemed to really like that author.

It took a while for Edward to go back to the bookshop. He had a lot of work to do, a lot of overtime and more shifts than he wanted to take. But when he was back, he was tired, and just wanted to grab a book to relax. He had managed to somehow finish the last book he had bought, and he just wanted to pick up a new one now.  
He rubbed his eyes, walking to the shelf with the fantasy books from Author. Sometimes he wanted a soulmate just to let them do the things he was too tired to do, like pick up a new book for him. It sounded kind of dick-ish though, but he supposed since no one knew about that thought, it was fine.

Looking over the books, he wondered what to pick. The last one he had gotten had been good, but another one-off. Or whatever you called it. He knew there was a series too though, and he wanted to read that one. He just had no clue what the books were called that belonged to it.

“You look tired.”.

Edward flinched, startled in his tired state, looking towards the voice. It was the guy he had met twice now, and he chuckled lightly, smiling.  
“Sorry for startling you.”.  
“Oh, no, it's fine. I'm just exhausted.”, Edward replied, smiling lightly. It was nice to meet the other again, someone not work-related.  
“Exhausting work then?”  
“Oh yeah. Lots of work. I'm glad for a little break.”, Edward sighed. “I was looking for that fantasy series? You know which books they are?”, he asked then, looking back at the shelf, motioning at it.  
“I do. Lemme see...”, the other looked over the books, humming lightly, before pulling a book out and handing it to Edward. “This is the first one.”.  
“Thank you.”, Edward smiled lightly, taking the book and turning it over, to read the back. It seemed good, and he was excited to read it.

“By the way, what's your name?”, the guy asked then, and Edward hummed, looking over at the other. “Oh, I'm Edward.”, he said, smiling lightly. Looking back at the book, and then the shelf, to know what other books were the next in the series, he didn't notice the look on the other's face.  
“It's a pleasure meeting you, Edward.”, he said, and Edward looked back over to him, smiling lightly. “I'm sorry, but I have to go now.”  
“Oh, well. I'll probably see you here again another time.”, Edward said, and he wanted to ask the other's name- but he was already leaving. Well, next time then.

-

Arthur hurried to leave. Hearing the other's name- he felt a pang. He just _knew_ Edward was his soulmate, and he didn't like how it felt to hear his name. That _never_ happened. He's _never_ felt anything before hearing his soulmate's name. And he didn't like that he felt something _now_.  
As long as he didn't tell Edward his name, he'd be fine. He wouldn't age, and Edward wouldn't age, and the doctor would never know Arthur was his soulmate. But, he knew that they would meet over and over, and he knew Edward would ask his name, and some time he'd find out his real name, if Arthur told him a fake name.

He couldn't avoid Edward forever. He couldn't. But he couldn't just kill him either. Not with how he felt. Did fate _really_ decide he should fall for his soulmate _now?_  
He's thought Edward was attractive the first time he's seen him, which was mostly why he had talked with him. Of course Arthur had some partners now and then, and if he thought Edward was attractive, why not try and hit him up?  
And now he was his soulmate. And Arthur _felt something._ He couldn't help it, he felt the weirdness that came with knowing your soulmates name. The want to be with him, to be close to his soulmate, to feel his touch- it was already eating him, and he _ran_ , ran to the forest, and to his home.

Once finally in his cabin, Arthur slammed the door shut, falling back against it and sliding down, hands in his hair and pulling. How dare he fall for his soulmate? How could he feel something _now_? He was breathing heavily, hating it, hating himself, and he couldn't handle this feeling of need for his soulmate.

He pulled at his hair, the pain grounding him a little. He hated this. Why did it have to be like this? Why did he have to feel something for this handsome man? He knew it wasn't love -but if he felt something for his soulmate already, he didn't want to know if he would eventually love him. The thought made him sick. Him, and love? He never felt love. He's felt physical attractions, fuck, that was the whole reason he even _talked_ to Edward in the first place. But he never felt love before, and he didn't want to start now.  
Though he knew he couldn't control it, of course. Emotions were uncontrollable, no matter how much he hated that fact.

Once he calmed down again after a while, he got up off the floor again. He could try and avoid Edward for as long as possible, or go back to meet him again soon and tell him his name. He should probably do that, shouldn't he? It was inevitable anyways, so why drag it out and suffer for longer than he had to?  
He decided to do so. He'd work some more on his book, which he now knew who he should dedicate it to. He didn't know what to write for it still, but at least he knew it was for Edward. He'd know what to write once the book was completely finished, and that'd still take some time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> since this got so long, i'm breaking it up into 2 chapters  
> and since i had a wonderful idea, there's one extra chapter  
> so there!


	3. Chapter 3

The next two times Edward went to the bookshop, he didn't meet the other again. It made him feel a little sad perhaps, but he wasn't sure what he was expecting either. He was almost certain he would eventually meet him again anyways, since he seemed to meet him a lot. And there was still one book from the series he needed before he needed another book to read.

When he came to the bookshelf again, he saw him on the outside. Edward stopped, the other's gaze already on him, wondering why he was there.  
“Oh, it's you again. Hello.”, Edward greeted, standing with the other. Said other pushed himself off the wall he had been leaning against.  
“Hey.”  
“What are you doing out here?”, Edward asked, tilting his head.  
“I was... waiting for you.”  
“Oh? Why that?”  
“Well, I didn't introduce myself last time, did I?”, he chuckled lightly, and Edward smiled, chuckling lightly himself.  
“That's right. So, who do I have the honour of speaking with?”, Edward asked with an amused smile.

“I'm Arthur.”, Arthur said, and Edward hummed, nodding lightly. It felt weird to know the name of the person he's talked with a few times now, but also kind of nice.  
“A pleasure meeting you Arthur.”, Edward said, and if it weren't for Arthur's darker skin, he would've noticed a little blush on his cheeks immediately.  
“A pleasure indeed, Edward.”, Arthur said, and Edward chuckled lightly.  
“I was just here to pick up the last book of the series I'm reading.”, Edward said, and together they went into the shop, and walked to the shelf so Edward could pick up the book he wanted to read still.  
“You enjoying the series?”, Arthur asked, watching as Edward picked out the book he needed.  
“Yeah. It's pretty good, and I'm excited for the last volume.”, Edward replied with a smile.

They talked a bit about the series, and Edward was only a little surprised by how much Arthur knew about the books and such. It was nice to talk about something they both enjoyed, though.

“You want to meet up again some time?”, Arthur asked, as Edward went ahead and bought the book.  
“Sure thing. It's nice talking with you.”, Edward agreed with a smile, nodding lightly.  
“Let's exchange numbers, alright?”, Arthur suggested, and Edward hummed, nodding. They exchanged numbers then, and Edward promised to text him when he had time between work. And with that, they parted ways once more.

As Edward made his way home, he felt a little... strange. Arthur. Something seemed _wrong_ about him, but it was only now that he knew his name. It made the hair on the back of his neck stand up straight, and he shuddered. What was wrong with that name? Something just rubbed him the wrong way about it, and he was certain it was just some subconscious thing. He probably knew someone or other with the same name he didn't like, and hearing the name made him feel bad subconsciously. That must be it.  
But still, once he was home, he didn't text Arthur. He had a free weekend for once, but he didn't feel like he wanted to meet up with Arthur. Something just seemed wrong about it, about _him_ , and thus, Edward kept his distance for now. He was certain it was nothing bad, just some subconscious thing, and he'd text Arthur the next time he was free.

It turned out to be over a week later, when Edward texted Arthur. He was glad the other man hadn't texted him first, and they hadn't met since then either -though Edward also hadn't been at the bookshop. He had been reading his book, and researching a bit if he found out what person named Arthur he might have heard about and he disliked. Edward hadn't found anyone. Maybe he had known someone in school? But why wouldn't he remember that?  
He felt like he had heard about some... some murderer? He wasn't sure. Sometimes, at night, he had nightmares about it. Being inside a shed, waking up from unconsciousness. A cold gaze boring into his, no remorse or guilt. The sound of a shot, the short but sharp pain. Before Edward woke up with a gasp, trembling, in a cold sweat. It felt like more than a nightmare. He had that nightmare a lot, during the past week, and he worried. They barely differed from one another.

When Edward texted Arthur, he was hesitant. Should he really? He wasn't sure why he felt so... nervous. He still managed to text Arthur though, suggesting they might go to a cafe and talk a bit.  
For some reason, Edward was glad Arthur didn't reply quickly. It took the man an hour or two, but he agreed to meet where Edward suggested. Edward wasn't sure how he felt about all of this. For some reason, he felt more nervous and _uncomfortable_ than ever to meet the other man. He had felt unhappy when he didn't meet the man in the bookshop, and now he felt so uncomfortable with just the thought alone of meeting him?

Maybe he was just nervous, since they were now meeting not out of accident, but planned. That was probably it. Edward wasn't used to having people he could meet up with and talk with, so that must be the whole reason he was nervous.

And still, Edward had been really nervous going to the cafe. But it hadn't been bad at all -he had actually enjoyed himself. Once he had lost his nervousness, he had really enjoyed himself, talking with Arthur about the books he had already read.  
It had really been a nice time, and when Edward went home, he didn't know why he had felt so nervous and uncomfortable with the thought of going in the first place.

They met a few more times after that, going out to places, mostly cafes. They went to the movies once, and out for dinner twice, and Edward felt far more comfortable being with Arthur, finding himself liking the other slowly.  
Arthur told him he was actually the Author, shocking Edward, before the doctor laughed and hit the other for keeping that from him. Since then, Arthur talked about what he was writing, and that he was making a new fantasy novel for the doctor, which flattered him more than anything. And Arthur delighted in the blush on the doctor's cheeks.

When Arthur first invited Edward to his home, Edward had felt a bit... apprehensive about it. Something just itched him the wrong way, but he agreed anyways, smiling and nodding.  
Arthur had picked him up at the edge of the forest, explaining the way was a little complicated, but Edward didn't mind at all to just follow along.

The cabin he was let to was... menacing. Not the cabin itself, but the aura around it. It made Edward feel weird, uncomfortable, and he was hesitant to go inside. But Arthur smiled so sweetly at him, and so kind, that it made Edward feel better.  
And it was lovely. Arthur let him see all the books he's written and collected, even first drafts, and Edward couldn't help but relax even further in Arthur's presence. There was still a slight uncomfortable feeling around the writer, but Edward was certain it was just the crush he was developing.  
It was nice, to be with the other. Sure, sometimes Arthur smiled or looked in a way that send shivers down Edward's spine, but he was certain it was nothing. He liked Arthur, and Arthur was really kind to him, and he really liked the writer.

He didn't think much of the bad feelings he had now and then. But his nightmares were bothering him, always the same cold gaze staring right into him, sending fear, _terror_ , down his spine. Always the same room he was in, always rather dark and dusty, but always enough light to see who was there. Always the same person, but he could never make them out.  
It was... it was weird, and after every nightmare, he craved comfort. And while he thought he would want comfort from Arthur -the man who had told him he could _always_ call him, or text him, and he was crushing on- he was _terrified_ of the man, right after waking up. The though alone of those golden eyes was making him shake. And so, he dealt with the nightmares on his own, and never told Arthur about them.

-

Walking up to the cabin, Edward looked around. He's been here twice now, both times Arthur coming to pick him up at the edge of the forest. But by now, Edward knew the way, so he had came here alone.

Now that he had time, he saw a little shed behind the cabin. He wondered what may be inside -Arthur never mentioned having any hobbies that would require a shed. And he didn't really have a “garden” here anyways, so there would be no reason for tools to be inside either. All Edward knew of Arthur's hobbies was that he wrote. And writing didn't require a shed.  
He knew he could just ask Arthur. He didn't feel uncomfortable talking with him anymore, but walking up to the cabin on his own, he felt a little weird. Now, the shed, it made him feel _uncomfortable_.

He had to go see. He didn't know why, but he just had the urge to go see what was in that shed, and he couldn't resist it. Taking a deep breath, and one last look at the cabin, he walked around it and to the shed. Arthur was waiting for him, he knew that, but it'd be fine. He wouldn't take long, he'd just be a minute.

He pushed the door open slowly, feeling... feeling uncertain.

He was met with a dark little room. Flicking the light on, the room was a bit dusty. There were things for wood-working, broken TVs that either wouldn't turn on or just show static, and a lonely chair, some desk, this and that.

Edward's blood ran cold.

It was just like his nightmares.

The same shed, the same atmosphere, and Edward felt cold. Where his dreams not just dreams? Was he remembering-  
All those times. The cold gaze of _golden eyes_. The gun pointed at his forehead again, and again, and again, _and again_.  
Edward's heart broke, as he felt more than just betrayed, and hatred bubble up inside of him, something he's never felt before. How could he? _How could he?_ Arthur had _killed him_. Arthur had killed him, _over and over and over_ again. Just because he wanted to live forever. Just because he was a selfish bastard who wanted to live forever so he could write his stupid books until the end of time.

He remembered, from watching it happen over and over, where Arthur kept his gun. Edward walked over to the desk, pulling open the drawer, and pulling out the gun. His gaze turned cold. How dare Arthur kill his soulmate out of such selfish reasons?

“Edward?”, Arthur's voice called, and Edward could hear the other man walking up, and stepping into the doorway of the shed.  
“What are you doing here?”, Arthur asked, and Edward turned around, snarling, gripping the gun tightly.  
“How fucking _dare you_.”, Edward growled, stomping up to Arthur, who was too shocked to react, as Edward grabbed his collar and pulled him further into the shed.  
“How dare you _kill me_ , over and over and _fucking. Over._ ”, Edward snarled, yanking Arthur towards the chair, letting go of his collar. The writer stumbled, startled, tripping over something on the ground and yelping as he fell onto the chair.

“What- Edward-”, Arthur looked up at Edward, and his eyes widened when the doctor pressed the nuzzle of the gun against his forehead.  
“You're not going do this any longer.”, Edward said, and his gaze was as cold as Arthur's always had been, as hard and unwavering as each previous life of Edward's had to face with Arthur.  
“Edward wait, please, it's not like that anymore!”, Arthur tried, gaze terrified as he looked up at Edward.  
“It's not, huh?”, Edward scoffed, his finger laying on the trigger.  
“It's not! I- Edward _please_ \- I never once thought about killing you, I promise, _I swear!”_ , Arthur was terrified, tears in his eyes, feeling the cold metal against his skin. “Please, you have to believe me, Edward, don't do this-”

“ _Liar_.”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CLIFFHANGER WOOP WOOP


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let's start the new year with some angry ed, and sappy babies being happy <3

Edward's hand shook. He was _so close_ to just shooting Arthur, ending this madness, but something was holding him back. Was he really going to kill his soulmate? Would he really be like Arthur, and shoot his soulmate without mercy?  
“Edward?”, Arthur's voice was quiet, careful, seeing and feeling Edward's tremble. He could see the hesitation in Edward's eyes. Slowly and carefully, he raised a hand and grabbed the gun. Slowly, he pulled it down, and Edward let him.  
“It's okay. Nothing happened.”, Arthur said softly, carefully standing, stepping close to Edward.  
“Why did you kill me?”, Edward asked quietly, looking at Arthur with tears in his eyes.  
“I...”, Arthur started, averting his gaze.  
“ _Tell me!”_ , Edward almost yelled, grabbing Arthur with his free hand again, holding onto his shirt as he glared at Arthur.  
“I want to- I _wanted_ to live forever. That's it! I wanted to live forever, and was ready to do whatever it takes.”, Arthur replied, laying a hand over Edward's.

“What a- _bullshit_ reason to kill your soulmate!”, Edward yelled at Arthur, shaking him by the grip on Arthur's shirt. It startled Arthur, who held with both hands onto Edward's wrist now, disregarding that the doctor still held the gun in his hand.  
“How many?”, Edward asked, confusing Arthur.  
“What?”  
“How. _Many?”_ _  
_ “I don't- I have no clue what you mean!”  
“ _How many did you kill?”_ , Edward asked, a dangerous growl in his voice, teary eyes glaring at the other.  
“I-”  
“ _How many of your books are dedicated to your dead soulmates?!”_ , Edward was yelling, shoving Arthur, until he was falling back onto the chair.

“I- Edward-”, Arthur didn't want to answer. Edward was already screaming at him, and he was as angry as he was sad, and Arthur couldn't bear to see him like that.  
“ **Tell me!** ”, Edward shouted, and Arthur bit his lip.  
“I don't remember, okay! It's been- I never counted!”, he replied, raising his voice as well.  
“Fucking- you fucking asshole.”, Edward turned away from Arthur, running a hand through his hair. He couldn't believe it. Arthur had killed _so many_ that he _didn't remember_.

“Edward- what does it matter? It's over now!”, Arthur tried to stand up again, but Edward was quick to turn towards him, pressing the gun back to Arthur's forehead, making Arthur freeze in place again.  
“What does it _matter?_ You fucking arrogant piece of _shit_. You killed _dozen_ of my past lifes!”, Edward pressed the nuzzle of the gun hard against Arthur's forehead, trembling with anger, with disbelief. How could someone be so- so like Arthur?  
“And I'm stopping now! Edward- I _care_ about you!”, Arthur retorted, hoping that Edward wouldn't kill him, while it was so easy to just pull the trigger.  
“Well you didn't care about me in any life before.”, Edward muttered, angry, barely able to keep himself in check as he trembled with how mad he was.

“But- _Edward_ -”, Arthur didn't know how to argue with Edward, how to calm him down and make him put the gun away. “Please, just- put the gun down and let's _talk_.”.  
“You never let _me_ just “talk” with you. You never gave _me_ a damn chance.”, Edward scowled, and the hate he felt for Arthur now was near tangible.  
“Edward _please-”,_ Arthur tried, but was cut off.

The shot rang loudly in the silence enveloping the shed. Edward looked at what had once been Arthur with disdain, feeling relived, slowly relaxing. He had never cared too much about soulmates. If he met them, he met them. He wasn't glad that Arthur had been his soulmate, though.  
He took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. It was over now.

He felt no regret. No remorse. No guilt and not an inch of a bad feeling.

Edward left Arthur, forever rotting away in his cabin. No more books. No more dedications. It was _over_ , and Edward was more than glad for it. He wouldn't die again, not because of a selfish soulmate.  
He knew he had to wait for his soulmate to be reborn, and he frankly didn't care. Truthfully, no one was sure how soulmates worked. Did someone really have to wait over twenty years if their soulmate died before meeting them? Or did another person who's soulmate died become a soulmate to someone else without soulmate?  
Edward didn't care either way. He's never really cared about soulmates before, and he still didn't. Not after what happened meeting his soulmate. Perhaps he'd change his mind once he met them again, perhaps he wouldn't.

Fate would decide for him, as it always did. He _would_ meet his soulmate, sooner or later, and Edward would see how he liked them once it happened.

Edward pretty much stopped reading after that. Sure, he could read other books, but he didn't think going to a bookshop again would feel the same. Not after meeting Arthur so many times, being so happy to see him there. And while he could go to other stores, he just.... couldn't bring himself to.  
So he was back to his boring old life, of going to work as much as possible, and just sleeping the entire day when he had days off. He had no clue how long that went on, of his life being boring and mundane, with nothing happening.

 _"Welcome back, dear listeners. I see you have found this station once more, or maybe for the first time? Maybe I should tell you about this show then, if you decide to stay here and listen in. And I know that you will"_  
The voice from the radio startled Edward awake, having fallen asleep in the break-room. Great, it was the middle of the night, barely anything going on, and he had fallen asleep drinking coffee. Well, that was cold now.  
_“I will be your host this evening. You may be wondering what this show is going to be about. It will be mainly about stories. Stories I heard, stories I felt, stories I made up. With enough interest, I might be able to take callers one day.”  
_Edward liked this voice. It was deep, rumbling, and quite soothing. Edward went ahead to make himself a new cup of coffee, content on listening to this man tell stories, and hopefully not fall asleep.

It was of no big surprise that Edward kept tuning in to the station. It was interesting, the stories were good, and the voice was wonderful. And it was delightful to hear that someone new was getting some recognition and could continue with something that truly was their passion.

“ _Tonight, before I tell you the first story, I want to answer some questions I have received from you, which I'd like to answer.”_  
Edward's interest was piqued. He had a free day today, but he liked the show a lot, so he tuned in every evening.  
_“The first question is, “What is your name?”. Now, I know many of you will have searched the internet for my name already, but I'd appreciate if you would merely call you The Host.”  
_Edward wondered why so many people liked to go with fake names and nicknames. Author had probably spawned a lot of them -though it's been so long now since he's died. This was, as many other things, a coincidence.  
_“The second question is, “Why are you doing this?”. Isn't it quite obvious? I enjoy telling stories. Of dreams, and soulmates, forgotten lifes and wonderful tales. Being blind, my voice is all I have, to bring these tales to you.”_

“Blind?”, Edward wondered aloud. He wondered how Host had lost his sight, or if he perhaps had been born blind. There were many possibilities, and Edward, as a doctor, was more than curious to know. He missed the rest of the questions, as he thought about all the blind people he's met over time during work, how many different reasons for blindness he knew.  
He only noticed again when the Host continued, telling a story, enrapturing Edward once more in a tale. Edward always loved listening to them, hearing the stories. It was better than reading books, though he supposed each story was only an hour or two long.

He couldn't listen to the next shows sadly, because of work. Late shifts and exhausting days kept him busy and tired, and when he did manage to turn the radio on, it was just to fall asleep to a voice without words.  
At one such night, Edward woke up again. He wasn't sure why, but he did, rubbing his eyes as he turned in bed, trying to sleep. He heard the man's voice, so his radio must still be on, and it couldn't have been too much time since he fell asleep.

“ _Have you ever dreamed of a life that wasn't your own? Ever dreamed something that could've happened to you right now? Some people say they dream of past lifes. Vague memories, carried from a life long ago, that carry so much weight with them you experience them?  
Dear listeners, I'd like to tell you of such a dream. A dream of a man with a piercing gaze, a man who's one goal was to never meet his soulmates. He had a philosophy, a simple one: Do whatever you can, to live forever. As you know, no one can live forever. We are destined to meet our soulmate, at one point or another. But, as many of you probably also know, there are people who had tried. Murderers who killed their soulmates, again and again, until they were caught. You've probably heard a story, or perhaps read a book, in which it happened as well.  
This dream, it did not end well. In the search for eternal life, he found his soulmate, the one who claimed his heart. But it shouldn't be. Fate did not like the ones who tried to force it to change. No matter how he tried, his soulmate was the one to end his madness.”_

Edward couldn't help how his breath hitched. That dream- it sounded like Author. It sounded just like what had happened with him- Author had wanted to live forever, killed his soulmates, until Edward came along and ended it. Did that mean... did that mean Host was his soulmate? Could it really be him?  
Edward pressed his hands on his eyes. Of course it'd be him. The one who's voice Edward came to love, the one who had the same style of nickname as Author, the one who told stories just like his past life.  
He groaned, curling up. He knew he'd meet Host one day. But knowing he was probably his soulmate? It made Edward yearn, he _wanted_ to meet his soulmate, to know how he'd feel. Even if he didn't like him, at least he'd _know_.

-

It didn't leave Edward's mind. Every time he heard Host's show, he thought of him, thought of how he wanted to meet him. Soulmates were fickle, and as much as Edward didn't care about meeting his soulmate, he _did_ care, and he hated it. He wasn't sure why, he had never really cared about soulmates, but he really wanted to meet Host.  
It was a true paradox, and he hated it, because he didn't like things to not have an answer -a _clear_ answer. To want and not to want, not knowing how he should feel about eventually meeting the other. He _would_ meet Host some day, but he wasn't sure what to feel about it.

Sitting here with the phone now, he felt kind of stupid. Was he really going to call in just to ask some question he wasn't even sure of yet? Host had been taking calls now and then for a while now, and Edward felt like he should _finally_ get over himself and do it.  
So here he was, far too early, so he could get himself to actually do it. He had the number written down, laying on the table next to his hand, where he held his phone. He should just do it. Just call Host, ask him about his own soulmate, and be done with it. It wasn't unusual for callers to ask more personal things, and sometimes Host answered them, and sometimes he didn't.  
So Edward could just ask him. There was nothing speaking against it. Host could always not answer, and that would be more than fine with Edward.

He perked up when Host's voice came from the radio. Hopefully he took callers today. He didn't always, of course, but it had been a while, and Edward didn't think he could bring himself to even think about attempting to call. And when Host finally said he would take some callers today, Edward had never felt more nervous.

He had the number tipped in. He was ready. But he was hesitant, he wasn't sure, should he really do it? He had never felt this anxious before. This was live, he had to remember too. A lot of people would hear him. His heart raced, and he forced himself to press the call button, holding his phone to his ear.  
What would he say? Should he even say something? He could still hang up. He turned the radio down, fiddling with his coat. He tried to think of things to say, but his head was pretty much empty.

“ _Hello there, dearest listener.”  
_Host's voice startled Edward, but thankfully he managed to somehow keep his calm.  
“Uh- hello Host.”, he said, cursing himself for stuttering. “I'm- I'm Edward.”, he said, because it was a matter of manners, though he wondered if Host would feel something -hearing your soulmate's name was supposed to make you feel something.  
_“Hello Edward. What would you like to talk about?”_  
Host's voice was so nice. Listening to it, especially when he was talking directly to him, made him swoon. Edward might just fall for Host based on his voice.  
“I- I uhm. I'd like to talk about soulmates, if that's alright?”, Edward didn't want to just talk to Host, well, he didn't want to ask him about it so directly.  
_“Of course, Edward. I'm all ears.”_  
It made Edward feel a little better, how Host spoke like they were just talking to each other, and this wasn't broadcasted over the radio.

“So, you told a story some time ago about a dream, right? And, well, it had me thinking. 'Cause I had met my soulmate, a few years or so ago. He's uhm. Not with us anymore. But, he wasn't a good person. He wrote books, and he wanted to do that forever, so he didn't want to meet his soulmate. Well, I met him, and while he... never liked soulmates before, he liked me. I didn't, though. He was a very bad person.”, Edward didn't want to make it sound exactly like Host's story, but he hoped _Host_ would know he was talking about his story.  
I've been listening to your show a lot. I'm a doctor, you know? And I've just... thought maybe my soulmate might hear this, and remember their past life a little.”.  
Edward felt really nervous, once he was quiet, but also a little better. He had sort of said what he had wanted to say, and he could only hope that Host understood, or that Host felt something, fuck he could only hope that Host even was his soulmate.

It was quiet for a little bit, and Edward worried he shouldn't have said so much, or shouldn't have said what he did, or perhaps it would've been better if he hadn't called in the first place. Thankfully, his worries were stopped by Host's voice.  
_“Thank you, Edward. I'm certain your soulmate will find you soon. May I call you again if they call here?”_  
Edward relaxed, smiling softly, though he wasn't sure if Host was just wanting to help, or if he knew what he had meant. “Of course.”.

Edward ended the call then, and turned the radio back up. Looking down at his phone, he took deep breaths. He did it. He had called Host, told him his name, and rearranged the story Host had told. Host _had_ to be his soulmate, with the dream he had had. He just hoped Host would call him, that he would be able to see him face to face.  
He just had to wait. And waiting was something Edward could do, and was very good at. And he didn't mind some waiting, since he had waited a lot already. At least now he was at peace, and could wait without having to worry too much.

He listened to the rest of the show, where Host had decided to let callers talk a little, especially about soulmates. Their experiences, their hopes and dreams. It was nice, and Edward hoped for everyone to find their soulmate if they hadn't already.

His phone rang. Now, he had made himself coffee after the show had ended, and scrolled through social media, when his phone rang in his hand. An unknown number.  
Edward hesitated, before accepting. “Hello?”

“Hello Edward.”, Host's voice greeted him, and Edward's heart fluttered.  
“Hello.”, he greeted back lamely. He really didn't know what else to say, did he?  
“You were telling your story earlier, and... it sounded really familiar.”, Host started, and Edward felt nervous again, nodding even though that was entirely useless on the phone.  
“I'm- I'm sorry that I did that so randomly. I just- your story sounded _exactly_ like my last soulmate, and so I thought that- you know?”, Edward tried to explain, and Host chuckled lightly, making Edward blush.  
“Would you like to meet? Perhaps we'll know then soon.”, Host suggested, and Edward smiled softly, glad the other was so composed.  
“That would be wonderful.”.

-

It was on the weekend when Edward had no work. He was anxious, grabbing his coat to go out. He was a weird one anyways, always wearing one of his lab coats. But they were all sorted, for actual work, at home, and going out. He had a thin and a thicker one for going out, actually. His coats were comfort items, and he liked wearing them a lot. Combined with one of his punny shirts,he felt comfortable, and like himself. He knew Host was blind, so he didn't have to worry about his appearance, though he still did. He hoped he'd do well. He hoped Host would like him. He had already completely forgotten about Author and the worries the man had caused in him, worrying about his soulmate more.

Arriving at the little cafe, Edward nervously looked around. Was he late? Early? He supposed he was right on time, but was Host already here? Host had told him to look out for someone with vitiligo, so Edward was looking around.  
He felt a little relieved when he spotted Host finally, walking over. He fidgeted a little, before taking a deep breath.  
“Hello Host. It's uh- me, Edward.”, Edward said, standing next to the table. Host looked at him, eyes closed. Edward was immediately drawn in to the unique white patches of skin, how it covered Host's eyes, turned a strand of his hair white. Host had dyed it a golden colour, and it looked wonderful.  
“Hello Edward. Please, sit.”, Host said, and Edward nodded dumbly, sitting down opposite of Host. Hearing his voice not over radio or phone was wonderful. Host in general was breathtaking. He loved him already, and it made him flustered, because how could he just fall for someone so easily?

“It's- oh gosh it's wonderful to meet you.”, Edward said softly, and he smiled, falling all the more as Host chuckled softly.  
“It's nice to meet you as well.”, Host replied, smiling so kindly, and god Edward would be drooling if he weren't a real person. So instead he stared, taking in all of Host's appearance. His dark hair, and his trenchcoat, and just how beautiful he was.  
“I suppose I should tell you my name.”, Host hummed, and Edward fiddled with his coat's labels.  
“I- well, if we're really soulmates...”, he mumbled, and Host smiled kindly.  
“Here, I'll whisper it to you. I prefer Host.”, Host said softly, and the two of them leaned over the table, Host whispering his name to Edward. Edward smiled when he sat back, feeling much more relieved, feeling like he really belonged with Host.

“I prefer Host a lot more too.”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's it!! I'M ENDING IT THERE  
> I DONT CARE  
> its done and i dont wanna write a single word more for this!! it's too much!!!
> 
> also sorry for the big wait but i played a lot of pokemon the last days, and writing had been hard in general
> 
> also, this is what I had originally written, but peeps (and I) wanted action more than repition:  
> https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wOxLmZipHkW2ow3HoRckJ8epTOrclafw3F1-X-7C9J8/edit?usp=sharing

**Author's Note:**

> idk man


End file.
